The World is a Costume Party: What’s Your Disguise? | Halloween & A Course in Miracles
October 28, 2022
I Could See Peace Instead of This: How ACIM Healed My Anxiety
November 18, 2022
Did you know that your relationship experiences are completely controlled by your thoughts – which, by the way, are NOT private?
Wait, what? Uh-oh. (I know, right?)
In my role as a transformational coach, I meet a lot of people who say they want to heal their relationships. But when we actually explore that goal more fully, it often turns out that what they really want is to change the other person rather than their own thinking.
People tell me how a relationship isn’t harmonious – and when I ask them to elaborate on some of their thoughts about this person, I often hear a litany of criticism. People think that they have those critical thoughts because of how they are being treated. That’s actually backwards. The truth is that they are being treated the way they are because of the thoughts they are having and the beliefs that are reinforced by them.
Lesson 338 in A Course in Miracles says,
“I am affected only by my thoughts.”
W-pII.338
It doesn’t say, “I am affected by the things my spouse says (or doesn’t say)”, or “I am affected by my disrespectful teen”, or “I am affected by my controlling mother”. But that’s where most of us are operating from. We see the problem as, “if _____ would just do/not do _____, then I would be happy.”
The Course also says,
“You may believe that you are responsible for what you do, but not for what you think. The truth is that you are responsible for what you think, because it is only at this level that you can exercise choice. What you do comes from what you think.”
T-2.VI.2:5-7
Our thoughts originate from beliefs, deeply ingrained and often unconscious. They may be felt as, “I’m not good enough”, “I’m not lovable”, “I’m not worthy”, “I don’t deserve it” – and when a person operates from that place they attract situations that reinforce those negative beliefs. If you don’t think you are worthy of being treated well, you will find yourself in relationships where you are not treated well.
The truth is, all of the negative emotions we feel – guilt, resentment, anger, hurt, fear, sadness – are representative of feeling separate from our Creator. That is the one problem A Course in Miracles is concerned with us learning – and the one solution is for us to remember that the separation never occurred.
If we want to be happy in this world we have to be willing to take responsibility for every single thing that happens in our lives. Not in a guilty way – blaming ourselves for what we experience is just as destructive and erroneous as blaming others, and there’s no difference because we are all one mind. Taking ownership means understanding that when we have a judgmental, critical, or condemning thought, that is what is going to be reflected back to us in our relationships.
One concept from A Course in Miracles that is useful in explaining the idea of our thoughts controlling our experience in relationships is that of there being no private thoughts. (WHAAAAAT? I know, right? When I got to that particular teaching of the Course the first time, I was like, “oh sh*t.”)
We are taught that as long as you keep your thoughts to yourself and don’t verbally express them – “keep it in your bubble” as they say to the kindergarteners – that that means they can’t be heard, felt, or reacted to, and that you can’t be held responsible for having them.
The belief is that even if you think your partner is a total jerk, as long as you don’t say it, they won’t know you’re thinking it or react to your attack thoughts. It makes sense that we would think that, because the whole idea of bodies is to keep us separate from our bros, right? But guess what? We aren’t separate – all minds are joined, which means one of the biggest self-fake-outs we do is think that our thoughts are private. They aren’t.
As the Course teaches,
“This is rarely a wholly welcome idea at first, since it seems to carry with it an enormous sense of responsibility, and may even be thought of as an ‘invasion of privacy.’ Yet it is a fact that there are no private thoughts.”
W-pI.19.2:2
We can see this illustrated by witnessing how thought energy travels. Did you ever start to make a call or send a text and the person calls or texts you at that moment? Ever begin to say something to a companion and they say they were just thinking the same thing? That is not a coincidence – which is a false concept anyway. It happens because our thoughts travel faster than we can engage our bodies to articulate them – because they originate in our mind – our one mind.
So when you find yourself totally trash-talking someone in “your mind”, saying something like, “You’re an idiot”, think about the fact that they can hear you in “their mind”- because it’s the same mind.
That bubble that you believe keeps your thoughts safe within your mind is as chock full of holes as the idea itself. The person may not say, “Hey, I heard you totally diss me just now” – but that’s mostly because we are all so heavily invested in the idea of separation that nobody really wants to look too closely at how it all works.
But the other person can feel the energy of the thought as the attack that it is, and they react accordingly.
Whenever we can’t tolerate something in another person it’s always because we hate it within ourselves. Being unable to admit to and acknowledge this, we unconsciously deny it and project it onto them. So, “you’re an idiot” really translates as, “I’m an idiot”.
So, why would we set it up to have someone say hurtful or disrespectful things, behave in a controlling manner, be disengaged, defensive, critical?
Because we feel guilty, and on a below the gut level we think we deserve it. But doing it this way, by making it the other person’s fault, we get to play victim and not have to see it as our own judgment of self and others reflected back to us.
The belief that we are guilty comes directly from the ego mind – that part of our joined mind that wants us to believe we separated from our Creator – that we rejected Him. Told Him to f*ck off – that we don’t need Him. We never actually did that in reality but we believe we did.
The ego mind will use the vehicle of our thoughts to take us on as many guilt trips as possible if we allow it to take the wheel. So, how do we stop the cycle of guilt and projection? How do we stop judging others and then experiencing the consequences of our critical thoughts playing out in our experiences in relationship?
First, we become conscious of those thoughts. As we study and practice the lessons of A Course in Miracles, we develop present-moment awareness of our what we’re thinking. We can then use the forgiveness practice as it is defined in the Course to help ourselves reconnect with our innocence by seeing it in our bros.
When we observe ourselves having a critical thought about another person, as soon as possible we bust out the steps of the practice:
- I am forgiving this person for what they didn’t do, remembering that there is nothing to forgive because
- I am dreaming an illusion made up by the ego mind
- I acknowledge that the guilt is in my mind and I am projecting it onto them
- I forgive myself for believing in the dream
- I ask Spirit to change my mind, heal my projections, and help me see this differently
As Jesus tells us specifically in the Workbook,
“Forgiveness recognizes what you thought your brother did to you has not occurred. It does not pardon sins and make them real. It sees there was no sin. And in that view are all your sins forgiven.”
W-pII.1.1:1-4
All YOUR sins are forgiven because you and your brother are one. Just as when you hold another person guilty you hold yourself there too, when you forgive and release them, you free yourself.
The awesome effect, which becomes self-reinforcing and the motivating factor for wanting to practice this form of forgiveness all the time is that as you do it, you see amazing results. You notice that the charge you have around grievances becomes far less intense, and the situations themselves often appear to change, because you shifted your perception by changing your projection.
There Are No Private Thoughts (OMG!): How Your Mind Creates Your Relationships | ACIM Lesson 19
As you get into the habit of “hearing” your own attack thoughts, you will get better and better at catching them, and forgiving them immediately. Eventually they change as you are thinking them, you find yourself reframing them into a positive and loving thought.
The result of this is that your relationships improve immensely. You are more accepting and able to allow people to be as they are and not feel like you need to change them. You find that you experience greater peace and harmony, more joy, and you definitely have more fun. When you realize that you control your experience with your thoughts, you empower yourself to create miraculous relationships.
Speaking of that, I adore our relationship. Thank you, it is such a privilege for me to be here with you. If this post was helpful to you in some way – if it deepened your understanding, or inspired you, or caused you to consider your relationships from a different perspective, please share it and leave me a comment or send me an email. I love hearing from you.
I send epic thoughts of gratitude for your brilliant, sparkling, vibrant, shimmering radiance your way.
I love you.
Kelly Russell, The Rock Your Joy Coach
YOU SAY YOUR GUIDANCE ISN’T WORKING:
Is it plugged in and turned on?
